im STILL HELLA UPSET THAT I DIDNT MAKE URBAN STEP... FUCK ITS NOT FAIR!!! IM A WAAYYY BETTER DANCER THEN SOME OF THE PEOPLE THAT MADE IT!!! ITS NOT FAIR, THERES ONLY LIKE 1 LATINO ON THAT TEAM AND NOW THEY HAVE A BUNCH OF NEW FUCKIN ASIANS, I THOUGHT FOR ONCE A SPIRIT TEAM AT LOWELL WOULDN'T BE FULL OF ASIANS, URBAN STEP WAS BLACK, AND ONE LATINO, ONE CHINESE GIRL, LIKE 2 ASIANS THEN. [FILIPINO] DAMN, ITS NOT FAIR!!!! THEY SAID THAT THE PART I MADE UP SUCKED SO THATS WHY I DIDNT MAKE IT, MAN... FUCK!!! THATS LIKE A WHOLE YEAR WASTED, MAN I GOTTA WAIT ALL THE WAY TILL NEXT SPRING TO TRY OUT AGAIN... FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK EVERYTHING I TRIED OUT FOR THIS YEAR I DIDNT MAKE, FUCK I TRIED OUT FOR VOLLEYBALL AND I DIDNT MAKE IT, I APPLIED FOR THAT JOB AND I DIDNT MAKE IT, I TRIED FOR URBAN STEP AND I DIDNT MAKE IT, WHAT ELSE HAPPEND? IONO W/E... SHIT, WATCH THOUGH IM NOT GONNA GIVE UP... FUCK AND IM HELLA JEALOUS THAT JEDDIE MADE IT, MAN!!!!!!!!!!............... I SHOULDA GONE TO THE SECOND TRY`OUTS I WOULDA MADE IT IF I WOULDA GONE TO THAT ONE... FUCK........ WHY DID I HAVE TO PICK TRACK??? WELL, I GUESS.. ITS A GOOD THING... I DERNO... URBAN STEP PRACTICE IS EVERY WEDNESDAY AND MOST OF THE TRACK MEET ARE ON THURSDAY, SO THEN I WOULDNT BE ABLE TO GO TO URBAN STEP THAT MUCH... MAN... IONO... I SHOULDA TRIED OUT FOR CHEER THAT WOULDA BEEN FUN... I SHOULDA... GRAWR I WISH I WAS A BETTER DANCER... *SIGH... I GUESS... TRACK WILL HAVE TO GET ME THERE, OH FUCK THERES ANOTHER THING, TRACK.. I CANT FUCKIN RUN!!!! I DERNO IF I'LL EVER GET TO RUN AGAIN, I DONT KNOW IF MY SHINS WILL EVER GET BETTER, I'VE BEEN LIKE THIS FOR MONTHS NOW... I CANT EVEN WALK LONG DISTANCES CUZ I START TO HURT... MY KNEE'S DOWN... KNEES, SHINS, ANKLES........ FUCK....... I DONT LIKE TO COMPLAIN BUT ITS JUST BEEN BOTHERING ME ALOT LATELY... I SHOULDA MADE URBAN STEP!!!!.... I AM A GOOD DANCER, IM NOT THE BEST BUT IM GOOD, I CAN LEARN A ROUTINE IN A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME, AND LEARN IT GOOD TOO.. I KNEW THAT DANCE SOOO GOOOD, I DIDNT MISS A BEAT, I WAS ON TIME FOR THE WHOLE THING, THEY'RE BITCHES FOR BASING MY GOING INTO URBAN STEP ON THE FREE`STYLE, I WAS NERVOUS AND NOT FULLY CONFIDENT IN MY PART... *SIGH... I'LL TRY OUT NEXT YEAR, I'LL BE IN THE CLUB AGAIN, AND I'LL TRY OUT NEXT YEAR.... -_-

dude.... im starting to get freaked out....


like today he was all... compared to your past boyfriends.. hows am i doing so far? n i was like iono.. its always hella w/e in the begining... n he was all its always hella w/e in the begning n i was like yeah n then it gets bad so iono... n he was all what if i told you it will always be this way... n i just got this like lil` flash back of how lex always told me he would never hurt me... and iono... i just.. iono... i`m scared.... and how i cant seem to bring myself to tell adam that im not a virgin.. i know he knows though...

DiS FLy LaTiNa: so if you really know what i was gonna say.. does that change anything that you thought of me?
pandemoniac46: no...i'mma jus need to think things out a little
pandemoniac46: everything is still the same tho
DiS FLy LaTiNa: are you sure?
pandemoniac46: mm hmm



blah.. iono.. w/e...


he asked me a few questions about it... im soo ashamed of myself becuase adam is so pure and.. he has values.. he is not going to have sex until he is married.... i kinda wish i woulda waited... blah BLAH... im sooo.... i`m feelin hella down now... iono what to do ...

blah.. im starting to.... get.... scared.... i really really.. dont want to get hurt again.... im soo... iono... like i cant even like say the L bomb anymore... im so traumatized now... ... grawsh... -_-

should i talk to adam about it? i think... i think i will.... *siGh...



Armyman820: i have to tell u sumthin
DiS FLy LaTiNa: ok
DiS FLy LaTiNa: wat?
Armyman820: dont take this the wrong way
DiS FLy LaTiNa: ok
Armyman820: adam is my good friend
Armyman820: n hes
DiS FLy LaTiNa: awh.. no
Armyman820: like
DiS FLy LaTiNa: stop there then
Armyman820: hes.....
Armyman820: fragile
Armyman820: so if u break his heart,
Armyman820: ill kick your ass
DiS FLy LaTiNa: what if he breaks my heart
DiS FLy LaTiNa: what about that
Armyman820: then ill kick his ass
Armyman820: cause mariposa
Armyman820: shes...
Armyman820: fragile too
Armyman820: lol
DiS FLy LaTiNa: yeah okhay
DiS FLy LaTiNa: i am... i... cant do alot of things cuz im like oh shit what if that happens again
Armyman820: but im pretti sure nothin bad will happen if adam n u get together



my adamboo is so cute he said we are "a newly blossoming couple"... he is soo... aww!!!

so we both now that we like eachother now.

hes not sure he can go through wit a relationship. blah. that sux. its ko0 doh.

urgh... well at least now he knows, cuz i already knew he liked me.. hahahah.... damn boys.

blah iono what i want though. i really reallly dont wanna get hurt again.

pandemoniac46: you know...i wanna ask you out and everything...but...honestly, i have no idea what it is to be a good boyfriend...i mean, i wanna be good for you, it's jus i'm not sure that I can
DiS FLy LaTiNa: ohh well..
DiS FLy LaTiNa: hahaha you dont have much to live up to
DiS FLy LaTiNa: everythings been crap so far
pandemoniac46: how so?
DiS FLy LaTiNa: i mean all my past boyfriends.. its been crap
pandemoniac46: oh
DiS FLy LaTiNa: like being lied to to my facee
pandemoniac46: i'd never do that...but i'm jus sayin...i can't...be the guy who gets you all those nicing things
pandemoniac46: i want to...but i jus can't
DiS FLy LaTiNa: you dont gotta do anythin
pandemoniac46: i'm not sure if I...can go through with it
pandemoniac46: so...does that bother you?
DiS FLy LaTiNa: no
pandemoniac46: so...when we're together...
pandemoniac46: ...what do we do?
DiS FLy LaTiNa: can i still be all over you
DiS FLy LaTiNa: well not all over
DiS FLy LaTiNa: haha i can be your kitty
DiS FLy LaTiNa: remember???
pandemoniac46: lol, yea
pandemoniac46: so when a girl ask me if i'm single, do I say no?
DiS FLy LaTiNa: say w/e you want
pandemoniac46: how bout you?
DiS FLy LaTiNa: i dunno
pandemoniac46: so are we...together...but not realy...together?
DiS FLy LaTiNa: your hella confusin me iono what chur saying anymore
pandemoniac46: like..
pandemoniac46: i dunno
DiS FLy LaTiNa:  no go on
pandemoniac46: i'm not sure..
pandemoniac46: ...how far we would go?
DiS FLy LaTiNa: what do you mean
DiS FLy LaTiNa: like... how far?
pandemoniac46: no kissing, rite?
DiS FLy LaTiNa: if you dont want to
pandemoniac46: what do YOU want?
DiS FLy LaTiNa: iono...
DiS FLy LaTiNa: iono what i want


i dont wanna put it on hold. i dont wanna lose intrest. BLAH i know adam would be good for me. hes such a nice boy. which is what i want and need. no more gangsters. *sigh.. OOO WE'LL SEE!!!....

we hella bonded at the aim festival cuz i showed him a part of me that no one else knows. i opend myself up to him in a way that i've never done before. im a little hesitant to be like I WANNA BE YOUR GIRL cuz i really dont want to get hurt again. but then the other side of me is like dont let the past fuck your future up. buh its always there yadamean. blah iono... n even more how i cant bring myself to say the L bomb anymore...


i`m through wit cryin over guys n letting myself get abused by all their down talk to me. tired of making less of myself. i could have made the volleyball team if i didnt have lex voice in my head. i could've done so much more if he wouldn't have been makin me feel so weak. i dont know. i just.. i really dont know... i've been thinking about it this whole week. what would happen when we finally told eachother how we felt. like would i feel secure enough wit myself to go into another relationship. its only been 3 months since me and lex broke up. is that anywhere near enough time for my heart to heal and move on is it enough time for my mind set to change is it enough time for me to not feel vulnarable to a guy. well now its too late, cuz adam has me. i dont know if i have him but i know that he has me. blah. most of all i always get introuble for flirting around, i dont do it on purpose im a flirtacious person... what can i do?. i like you adam...

man.. i just .. im not confident that i made the squad everyone keeps telling me that i for sure made it but i just dont know.. how am i supposed to know? i had to go up agaisnt latasha and cythera.. they are hella good dancers and im no good at free`styling... argh im so nervous and i seen kris myspace and his name is I MADE THE SQUAD!! does that mean he KNOWS he made the team? i derno.. mayn.. i really want this too! man.. like.. i put my all into trying to make me volleyball team too but i didnt make it.. i dont know.. i did track cuz you dont need to tryout and i did the urban step club cuz i didnt need to try out... man.. this isnt.. *sigh.. i really really want this like.. everytime i think about making the team my heart starts pumpin its pumpin rite now.. garsh.. i really hope i made the team.. the only thing that makes me feel better about it is that i know that alot of people were off beat and didnt hit the moves at the right spot.. so i know i have a little better of a chance then them.. but iono.. i still dont know.. cuz of what stacey told me... she said that the team only had 2 people that they really wanted and that they were going to have a 2nd tryouts.. argh... im so nervous i just really want to know if i made it or not so that i can stop worrying about this bullshit....

ya`know.. sometimes i do think about adam in that bf/gf kinna way.. buh iono.. when i do think about taht i think about vince and what if it messes up there friendship and then i think me and vince buh then i think about what he sed to me...

iono... it always goes back to how vince sed it was ruining his reputation.. iono if im being dramatic or anything buh... being me.. thats... hella... like.... iono... it makes me just want to go away n stop talkin to him.. buh at the same time i cant help myself ya`know.. iono... sometimes i really wanna tell adam about how i feel about vince buh at the same time... i dont know.. its not easy fer me to open up completely like that to someone... i think the only person i really talk to about erythn is claire... yeah ate you da only one i really talk too... and we dont even chillax.... how sad... ='[ iono... adam's becoming one of my best homies...

ya`kno wit vince.. i always feel like im competing wit stacey.. like... even though she has a boyfriend he lives all the way in ontario he doesnt know what she b` doin.. n shes always all up on vince n shit.. iono.. sometimes i just think it isnt worth it...

today alex asked me if me and adam are a thing.. haha.. how cute he called it a thing.. loLs... yeahh... loLs.. uhms... iono

and also nicole asked me if i think me and adam will ever get together... hmms.. i dont know..

all i can sey is that i know fer sure im a sucker fer a boy thats nice to me... yups.. that's how those boys steal my heart away.. it has nothin to do wit anythng else buh how he treats me... fer a while vince made me feel hella good and special.. buh ever since stacey joined the band its like... w/e... ya`kno wat i mean.. its like he likes her better.. i dont know.. maybe im just thinkin too low of myself.. cuz stacey.. shes hot.. she has a nice body.. and she knows how to work it... i dont know... plus shes not shy... i get shy sometimes... i dont know i just dont know sometimes.. maybe i should just.. ferget about dis vince & i thing... i dont KNOW................ grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....... w/e..


boys are stupid, they will die someday, and we can always go to city college

i love that.... you can always go to city college even though it has nothin to do with anything.. yup...

today in track we ran 2 600`s 2 500`s 2 400`s... total of... 3,000m.. whoo`wee.. n i hella couldnt breathe and my calfs still hurt.. boooooo!...


life is going hella good tho.. no complaints! woo im glad i have this blogdrive that nobody knows about and nobody will read except fer claire buh das my ate shes tyte... and nobody will ask me about anything thats on here like ppl usually do when you write somethin on xanga... fuckers.. haha NOSY ass bitches..